It was unintentional, but I spent the day after America's Birthday celebrating England. Printed out UK crosswords in the morning and took them with me for the "Norman Conquests" plays. (The official line is that the plays can be seen in any order. I disagree. Seems to me some of the cross-play jokes work in only one direction, and there is a clear ending to the story.) Afterwards, couldn't get to sleep right away, so watched two episodes of "Hotel Babylon." Rule, Britannia!

Things are invisible until you need them. I'm in desperate need of a haircut, but austerity demands that I find an alternative to my regular uptown guy. So I'll just go to a neighborhood barber, right? Except I have no idea where to find one. I took a stroll yesterday, and noticed four places that I'm sure I've walked past thousands of times apiece without them registering on my consciousness. I've picked out the one that looks the most old-fashioned, and will visit it tomorrow.

Seeing Sherie Rene Scott's "Everyday Rapture" the day after the Tonys telecast was a lucky break. (Oh, wait, there is no luck. Never mind.) It was simply amazing, and unlike last night, reminded me why I love the theater. And also reminded me about the one thing I hate about the theater: its impermanence. The show closes Saturday, but I'll have a piece of it with me well beyond that.

Yesterday's NYT
Clue: Do, re, mi
Answer: CDE

Yesterday's Merl Reagle
Clue: Do, re, mi, perhaps
Answer: CDE

One of those clues is correct. The other is correct only 8.33% of the time. Not that anybody will dare to say anything about it.

Or, Maybe the kid falls down a lot.

From Entertainment Weekly: "Film producer Brian Grazer, 57, and The Starter Wife author Gigi Levangie Grazer, 46, finalized their divorce on May 21 in L.A. She will receive more than $13 million in a one-time payment, and $40,000 a month in child support."

The newest bizarre trend: Third time in three days that I've seen someone walking down the street while reading a book*. I'm proud to be a multitasker, but that's ridiculous.

*All three were women. Significant?

"I don't think we thought that that integration would be one of the lynchpins of us returning for a third season."

From http://sepinwall.blogspot.com/2009/05/chuck-chris-fedak-vs-renewal.html

I've owned three Master padlocks over the years. The combination to one was three odd numbers; the other two used all even numbers.

Anybody ever had a Master padlock that mixed odd and even numbers? It just takes one....

Finally made it back to the gym this week. There's a sign on the door:

*Please pardon our appearance while we restore our lobby and stairwell.*

I am here to report that the lobby and stairwell are exactly the same as they've always been. Clever devils.

1. I'm very fond of inside jokes, especially those found in television shows. Futurama's opening sequence had a couple of items that changed every week for the benefit of observant viewers; The Simpsons has been doing this since the opening was redesigned for high-def. And Stephen Colbert's word list changes every now and then (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Colbert_Report#Program_format). Sometimes what follows ACCLAIMED INCISIVE POWERFUL COURAGEOUS EXCEPTIONAL RELENTLESS is a real word/phrase, but more often it's a Colbertism like "gutly" or "factose intolerant."

Currently, the variable slot is filled by "PURPLE-MOUNTED," and I can't decide exactly where the joke is. Are the writers deliberately corrupting "purple mountain['s majesty]," or have they fallen victim to a mondegreen? No way to know.

2. The closed captioning on Inside the Actors Studio and IFC Media Project continues to amuse. IFC is owned by the notoriously tight-fisted Cablevision company. Odds are they assigned some intern or in-law to the captioning task, rather than pay anyone competent. (Cablevision also owns AMC, and the memory of the season 1 Mad Men captioning still burns.) But ItAS airs on Bravo, which is owned by NBC. Is Lipton pocketing the captioning budget? Or did Danny DeVito really go to beauty school and learn how to "quaff"?

3. I have finished proofreading The Worst Novel Ever Written. The author found a new way to surpass himself in the last few pages, as a character made an emphatic statement a) in caps b) in italics c) followed by two exclamation points d) followed by "he screamed." Just in case you weren't sure.

Also of note, the villain kidnaps a couple and their daughter at gunpoint. They drive (in the family's car) to a secluded spot in the woods. The next time we see them, the police are approaching, and what do they see? Mom and Dad are tied to a tree, and the daughter is bound to a table. It has already been established that the villain keeps the fold-up table in his own car trunk. How he got it into the woods and managed to tie up the family with one hand (he couldn't put down the gun, could he?) is left to the reader's imagination.

Does any reader possess sufficient imagination?

Finally caught up with the Crossword Tournament "Dinner: Impossible" episode that aired last week on Food Network. Since I opted out of the lunch, I was certain that I wouldn't appear anywhere in the hour. This belief was disproven within seconds. Go figure.

Would that I could direct you to a (legal) online video....

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/jacketcopy/2009/05/26-favorite-words-from-reading-the-oed.html

Technology update: Bedroom TV cacked. Ten days later, desktop monitor. Ten more days later, the shower faucet. Not looking forward to the holiday weekend.

Last night's How I Met Your Mother. Barney enters Ted's apartment, hands him a magazine, tells him to look at page 83. Ted looks at the left-hand page.

It's the little things ....

As noted earlier, I had to replace my desktop monitor last week. Old: 19", standard dimensions. New: 20", widescreen. Which means I lost three inches of screen height (from 12" to 9"), in exchange for a very wide image which might be great if I watched a lot of DVDs, but I don't. Instead, mostly I'm looking at Web pages that seem distorted. Is it the sideways thing that's throwing me? I fear I'm clinging to some vestigial relationship to 8½x11 dimensions. Hey there, GenXers and younger, do you prefer squarer/taller screens?

Forensic anthropologist Dr. Temperance Brennan (Bones), who disdains psychology and sociology, should work a case with psychologist and body language expert Dr. Cal Lightman (Lie to Me). Hey, two characters on Fox shows that are set in Washington, D.C. How hard could it be to set this up?

Just noticed the "use by" info on a bag of dried fruit on hand:

BEST BEFORE 08:28
07OCT2009

Holy cow. I hope I don't oversleep that day.

Famous Singer Lady showed up at the open mike this week. When it was her turn to perform, FSL handed me her charts and walked to the microphone. Points awarded for actually having charts. Points deducted for offering absolutely no explanation as to what she wanted me to do. Further points deducted for the sketchiness of the charts, which lacked vital information about tempos and endings.

Points deducted from me for expecting anything else. Grrr.

A couple of weeks ago, I turned on the television in the bedroom and it fizzled. Picture came on, then dissolved like film stuck in the gate of the projector. The replacement set was delivered on Wednesday.

Yesterday, I got home from the open mike and found my desktop monitor had died in its sleep.

I now answer to "Jonah."

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/renny_gleeson_on_antisocial_phone_tricks.html

(video launches immediately)